Late Migrations Read online

  LATE MIGRATIONS

  LATE MIGRATIONS

  A Natural History of Love and Loss

  Margaret Renkl

  With art by

  Billy Renkl

  MILKWEED EDITIONS

  © 2019, Text by Margaret Renkl

  © 2019, Art by Billy Renkl

  All rights reserved. Except for brief quotations in critical articles or reviews, no part of this book may be reproduced in any manner without prior written permission from the publisher: Milkweed Editions, 1011 Washington Avenue South, Suite 300, Minneapolis, Minnesota 55415.

  (800) 520-6455

  milkweed.org

  Published 2019 by Milkweed Editions

  Printed in Canada

  Cover design by Mary Austin Speaker

  Cover art by Billy Renkl

  19 20 21 22 23 5 4 3 2 1

  First Edition

  Milkweed Editions, an independent nonprofit publisher, gratefully acknowledges sustaining support from the Ballard Spahr Foundation; the Jerome Foundation; the McKnight Foundation; the National Endowment for the Arts; the Target Foundation; and other generous contributions from foundations, corporations, and individuals. Also, this activity is made possible by the voters of Minnesota through a Minnesota State Arts Board Operating Support grant, thanks to a legislative appropriation from the arts and cultural heritage fund. For a full listing of Milkweed Editions supporters, please visit milkweed.org.

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Names: Renkl, Margaret, author. | Renkl, Billy, illustrator.

  Title: Late migrations : a natural history of love and loss / Margaret Renkl ; with art by Billy Renkl.

  Description: First edition. | Minneapolis : Milkweed Editions, 2019.

  Identifiers: LCCN 2018044003 (print) | LCCN 2018057281 (ebook) | ISBN 9781571319876 (ebook) | ISBN 9781571313782 (hardcover : alk. paper)

  Subjects: LCSH: Renkl, Margaret. | Renkl, Margaret—Family. | Journalists—United States—Biography. | Adult children of aging parents—United States—Biography.

  Classification: LCC PN4874.R425 (ebook) | LCC PN4874.R425 A3 2019 (print) | DDC 818/.603 [B]—dc23

  LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2018044003

  Milkweed Editions is committed to ecological stewardship. We strive to align our book production practices with this principle, and to reduce the impact of our operations in the environment. We are a member of the Green Press Initiative, a nonprofit coalition of publishers, manufacturers, and authors working to protect the world’s endangered forests and conserve natural resources. Late Migrations was printed on acid-free 100% postconsumer-waste paper by Friesens Corporation.

  For my family

  Contents

  PEACH

  In Which My Grandmother Tells the Story of My Mother’s Birth

  Red in Beak and Claw

  Let Us Pause to Consider What a Happy Ending Actually Looks Like

  WATER LILY

  Encroachers

  In Which My Grandmother Tells the Story of Her Favorite Dog

  Howl

  In Which My Grandmother Tells the Story of the Day I Was Born

  To the Bluebirds

  The Way You Looked at Me

  Not Always in the Sky

  Blood Kin

  Nests

  THUNDERSTORM

  In the Storm, Safe from the Storm

  Secret

  Confirmation

  The Parable of the Fox and the Chicken

  The Monster in the Window

  The Snow Moon

  Swept Away

  Safe, Trapped

  Things I Knew When I Was Six

  Things I Didn’t Know When I Was Six

  Electroshock

  In Mist

  The Wolf I Love

  BLUE JAY

  Jaybird, Home

  Barney Beagle Plays Baseball

  Creek Walk

  Bunker

  Operation Apache Snow

  BLUEBIRD

  Territorial

  Tell Me a Story of Deep Delight

  Acorn Season

  Faith

  RIVER

  River Light

  Red Dirt Roads

  Different

  Be a Weed

  TOMATO

  The Imperfect-Family Beatitudes

  Night Walk

  Every Time We Say Goodbye

  Gall

  The Honeymoon

  In Which My Grandmother Tells the Story of Her Brother’s Death

  Squirrel-Proof Finch Feeder, Lifetime Warranty

  There Always Must Be Children

  Tracks

  In Which My Grandmother Tells the Story of My Grandfather’s Death

  MARIGOLD

  My Mother Pulls Weeds

  Fly Away

  Church of Christ

  Migrants

  Prairie Lights

  ECLIPSE

  A Ring of Fire

  Once Again, the Brandenburgs

  While I Slept

  PIEBALD FAWN

  Seeing

  In Which My Grandmother Tells the Story of Her Mother’s Death

  Redbird, Sundown

  Twilight

  In Which My Grandmother Tells the Story of the Day She Was Shot

  Babel

  Bare Ruin’d Choirs

  Thanksgiving

  BLUEBIRD

  The Unpeaceable Kingdom

  March

  Still

  Homesick

  Revelation

  FIG

  Nature Abhors a Vacuum

  Two by Two

  The Kiss

  I Didn’t Choose

  In Bruegel’s Icarus, for Instance

  All Birds?

  HONEYSUCKLE

  Metastatic

  Death-Defying Acts

  In Praise of the Unlovely World

  Chokecherry

  RABBIT

  He Is Not Here

  Hypochondria

  The Shape the Wreckage Takes

  Witches’ Broom

  You Can’t Go Home Again

  Ashes, Part One

  Be Not Afraid

  Stroke

  Dust to Dust

  Lexicon

  Drought

  WARBLER

  Insomnia

  How to Make a Birthday Cake

  Homeward Bound

  What I Saved

  When My Mother Returns to Me in Dreams

  CICADA

  Carapace

  Resurrection

  In Darkness

  No Exit

  No Such Thing as a Clean Getaway

  Ashes, Part Two

  MAPLE

  Nevermore

  History

  Ashes, Part Three

  Masked

  You’ll Never Know How Much I Love You

  ROBIN

  Separation Anxiety

  Farewell

  Recompense

  MONARCH

  Late Migration

  After the Fall

  Holy, Holy, Holy

  Works Cited

  Acknowledgments

  Well, dear, life is a casting off. It’s always that way.

  ARTHUR MILLER, DEATH OF A SALESMAN

  Therefore all poems are elegies.

  GEORGE BARKER

  LATE MIGRATIONS

  In Which My Grandmother Tells the Story of My Mother’s Birth

  LOWER ALABAMA, 1931

  We didn’t expect her quite as early as she came. We were at Mother’s peeling peaches to can. Daddy had several peach trees, and they had already canned some, and so we were canning for me and Max. And all along as I would peel I was eating, so that night around twelve o’clock I woke up and said, “Max, my stomach is hurt
ing so much I just can’t stand it hardly. I must have eaten too many of those peaches.”

  And so once in a while, you see, it would just get worse; then it would get better.

  We didn’t wake Mother, but as soon as Max heard her up, he went in to tell her. And she said, “Oh, Max, go get your daddy right now!” Max’s daddy was the doctor for all the folks around here.

  While he was gone she fixed the bed for me, put on clean sheets and fixed it for me. Mama Alice came back with him too—Mama Alice and Papa Doc. So they were both with me, my mother on one side and Max’s on the other, and they were holding my hands. And Olivia was born around twelve o’clock that day. I don’t know the time exactly.

  Max was in and out, but they said Daddy was walking around the house, around and around the house. He’d stop every now and then and find out what was going on. And when she was born, it was real quick. Papa Doc jerked up, and he said, “It’s a girl,” and Max said, “Olivia.”

  Red in Beak and Claw

  The first year, a day before the baby bluebirds were due to hatch, I checked the nest box just outside my office window and found a pinprick in one of the eggs. Believing it must be the pip that signals the beginnings of a hatch, I quietly closed the box and resolved not to check again right away, though the itch to peek was nearly unbearable: I’d been waiting years for a family of bluebirds to take up residence in that box, and finally an egg was about to shudder and pop open. Two days later, I realized I hadn’t seen either parent in some time, so I checked again and found all five eggs missing. The nest was undisturbed.

  The cycle of life might as well be called the cycle of death: everything that lives will die, and everything that dies will be eaten. Bluebirds eat insects; snakes eat bluebirds; hawks eat snakes; owls eat hawks. That’s how wildness works, and I know it. I was heartbroken anyway.

  I called the North American Bluebird Society for advice, just in case the pair returned for a second try. The guy who answered the help line thought perhaps my bluebirds—not “mine,” of course, but the bluebirds I loved—had been attacked by both a house wren and a snake. House wrens are furiously territorial and will attempt to disrupt the nesting of any birds nearby. They fill unused nest holes with sticks to prevent competitors from settling there; they destroy unprotected nests and pierce all the eggs; they have been known to kill nestlings and even brooding females. Snakes simply swallow the eggs whole, slowly and gently, leaving behind an intact nest.

  The bluebird expert recommended that I install a wider snake baffle on the mounting pole and clear out some brush that might be harboring wrens. If the bluebirds returned, he said, I should install a wren guard over the hole as soon as the first egg appeared: the parents weren’t likely to abandon an egg, and disguising the nest hole with a cover might keep wrens from noticing it. I bought a new baffle, but the bluebirds never came back.

  The next year another pair took up residence. After the first egg appeared, I went to the local bird supply store and asked for help choosing a wren guard, but the store didn’t stock them; house wrens don’t nest in Middle Tennessee, the owner said. I know they aren’t supposed to nest here, I said, but listen to what happened last year. He scoffed: possibly a migrating wren had noticed the nest and made a desultory effort to destroy it, but there are no house wrens nesting in Middle Tennessee. All four bluebird eggs hatched that year, and all four bluebird babies safely fledged, so I figured he must know this region better than the people at the bluebird society, and I gave no more thought to wren guards.

  The year after that, there were no bluebirds. Very early in February, long before nesting season, a male spent a few minutes investigating the box, but he never returned with a female. Even the chickadees, who nest early and have always liked our bluebird box, settled for the box under the eaves near the back door. All spring, the bluebird box sat empty.

  Then I started to hear the unmistakable sound of a house wren calling for a mate. Desperately the wren would call and call and then spend some time filling the box with sticks, building an elaborate scaffolding that formed a deep tunnel running across the top of the box and down to its very floor. Day after day: singing, sticks, singing, sticks. The side yard was his exclusive domain. No longer did the chickadees visit the mealworm feeder on that side of the house; the goldfinches abandoned the thistle feeder nearby; only the largest birds dared drink from the birdbath. I set another dish of water on the other side of the house because we’d had so little rain.

  Meanwhile, the chickadees hatched out a magnificent brood of babies. Their voices were full and strong, and their parents worked continually from sunup till dark feeding them. After they fledged, right on schedule, I took the box down for cleaning. At the bottom was one fully feathered baby, probably only minutes from leaving the box. It was dead from a puncture wound to the head.

  It’s one thing to recognize the bloodbath that is the natural world and a different thing entirely to participate in it. There’s nothing “natural” about offering wild birds food and water and housing, even in an area where human beings have systematically destroyed their original nesting sites and food sources. With that invitation comes an obligation to protect and defend the creatures who accept it. Even before I found the dead chick, I had made up my mind to take down my nest boxes after the house wrens fledged, both to discourage the wren from returning and to keep from attracting other native cavity dwellers—tufted titmice, Carolina wrens—to house wren territory.

  Thing is, I love the little brown wrens too. Their courtship song is one of the most beautiful in the world, a high, thin river made of musical notes tumbling and rushing and cascading downstream. And it’s hard to fault them for doing only what millions of years of evolution have taught them to do, in their impossibly tiny fierceness, to survive a world of high winds and pelting rains and predators. To see that small brown bird lifting his throat to the sky and releasing that glorious sound into the world, again and again and again, day after day—how could it be possible not to root for him, not to hope a mate would arrive, in this region where house wrens don’t nest, to accept him and his offering of sticks? When a female joined him ten days later, I had to cheer.

  Then a blackberry winter descended on Middle Tennessee, and that night it was twenty degrees colder than the temperature a house wren egg needs to remain viable. The next morning, the goldfinches returned to the thistle feeder.

  Let Us Pause to Consider What a Happy Ending Actually Looks Like

  LOWER ALABAMA, 1936

  In the story my grandmother told, there was an old woman of uncertain race who lived among them but did not belong. With no land and no way to grow anything, the old woman was poorer and more desolate than the others, and they looked the other way when she slipped into their barns after dark with her candle and her rucksack, intent on taking corn. Did a barn owl startle her that night? Did a mule jostle her arm? They never knew: she never admitted to being there. The howling fire took the barn whole and then roared to the house. Neighbors saved some of the furniture in a kind of bucket line, but an actual bucket line was impossible: the water tank had stood on a wooden scaffold already lost to the blaze. There was no time to save the clothes and quilts, the food my grandmother had stored for winter, the grain my grandfather had put up for his mules. Worst of all, there was no time to save the wild-eyed mules stamping in their stalls.

  In my grandmother’s story, they brought what the neighbors had salvaged to her in-laws’ house half a mile down the road, and family came from every direction to resettle things, making room. The back porch became the room where Papa Doc and Mama Alice slept. The parlor became my grandparents’ room. The nooks where my mother and her infant brother slept were upstairs, in what had been the attic.

  Decades later, when my mother told stories of her girlhood, she never seemed to recall how crowded the house must have been or how the tensions surely flared. Instead she remembered my great-grandparents’ devotion. Every day Papa Doc would leave for calls with his black bag o
r, on slow mornings, head to the store to pick up the mail. When he came home again, he always called out, “Alice?” as soon as he reached their rose border. And she would always call back, formally, from the garden or the kitchen or the washtub on the porch, “I’m here, Dr. Weems.”

  My mother’s grandparents went through the day in a kind of dance, preordained steps that took them away from each other—he to his rounds across the countryside, she to the closer world of clothesline and pea patch and barn—but brought them back together again and again, touching for just a moment before moving away once more.

  But the shadow side of love is always loss, and grief is only love’s own twin. My mother was twelve when Mama Alice died. Papa Doc sat down on the porch and settled there, staring at the rambling rosebushes growing beside the road. “He just made up his mind to die, I guess,” my mother always said. “He lasted barely more than a month.”

  Encroachers

  The sun is setting on the lily pond, winking on the water between the floating circles of the lily pads, winking on the brown leaves caught on the green surface of the dense lilies. The wind is stirring the water, rippling the mirrored trees on the bank, and now the deep-red leaves of the sumac are falling too, and the yellow maples and the orange sassafras. Soon the pond will be covered over with lily pads and leaves. In only a little while—five years? ten? no more than a blink—the water will cease to echo these trees and this sky. Today the brown water is glowing in the autumn light, on fire with light and color and motion, but the pond is dying.

  It is impossible to believe the pond is dying.

  The lilies are choking it, starving it of light and oxygen. Soon there will be no room left for fish or frog or snake or turtle. There will be only lilies, lilies from edge to edge, a marsh of lilies where nothing else can live. In summer the lilies bloom—oh, how beautifully the lilies bloom, how fragrant their flowers!—and even now, at the very end of autumn at the very end of the day, the lovely pond is filled with light, encircled and embraced. Leaves resting on the lily pads, hawk floating overhead, rabbit crouching under the tree—all life piled on life—and still it is dying.